To set the scene, it was a dark and windy night on campus (when is it not windy) and I was heading to Bagels On The Hudson. I ordered my Taylor ham egg and cheese sammie and took a bite. I bit down on a piece of paper! This was very confusing, but I pulled out the piece of paper, and on it scribbled in cryptic handwriting was, “go to the showers in Gateway South. Tell no one.”
I felt very uneasy as I approached the showers, and then a voice said “don’t go any further.” “Who are you?” I yelled, “reveal yourself!”
“I am a member of Khoda, we have agreed to answer three questions for the Stupe, but my identity must remain a secret so we shall conduct this interview with the shower curtain in between us.”
“What does Khoda even do?” was my first question, since this is extremely unclear. The figure seemed to be in thought behind the curtain as it was silent for a few moments. “We protect the interest of the students.” “What does that even mean!?” “Well, remember when the metal Snevets letters on the UCC had to be removed and put back up like fourteen times, that was us. We knew that if the letters were not placed perfectly straight then the students would be upset. We also occasionally throw our UCC leftovers onto the lawn for the bunnies to eat and occasionally post passive aggressive comments towards Snevets in the mom Facebook group, under pseudonym of course.”
This answer was extremely underwhelming, and also concerning because all the moms’ Facebook group does is constantly attack Sara Klein.
For my next question, I asked a question that has always puzzled the Stupe. “How are Khoda members selected?” Well, our first set of criteria is you must have never met President Narfarvar’s dog Margarita, as this becomes a very frequent conflict of interest. Typically we only accept applicants who received exactly a B+ in CAL 103, but exceptions can be made if you are a member of Delt. Finally, you must be in good standing with the lady who works the pasta station in Pierce.
All of these criteria seemed to make sense, but I still had one question left, and I had to use it wisely. “Can I ask any question?” “Yes, any question, but that was your last question LOL.” The figure then fell through the shower curtain and ran off in the direction of frat row.
Disclaimer: this article is a part of The Stupe and is satire
