With finals on the horizon, it’s going to be a mad dash to the finish with projects, unfinished homework, and tests. One such project, for Engineering Design 4 (D4), conducted by a group of sophomores in the basement of Burchard, accidentally created a new sun this week.
While no one knows how exactly this disaster was started, the St*te has some eyewitness reports of the incident. One professor expressed concerns about the new sun, but noted that it was not the worst thing that had happened in D4, and then refused to comment further. The group in question also told the St*te that they only had an 80% error for the lab, which they handed in as “good enough”. Our beloved Burchard building was also melted to the ground, but officials from Snevets commented that it was “not a huge loss ngl”. To make matters worse, reports flooded in soon after the incident of one sophomore who could be seen standing on the Burchard roof, wearing what appeared to be homemade Doctor Octopus arms. Onlookers report hearing him yell: “I have the power of the sun in the palm of my hand!”
Scientists report that the results on the environment are mixed. One study suggested that the second sun will be phenomenal for solar power efficiency, while another indicates that it will be catastrophic for climate change, essentially ending the world and humanity as a whole. RIP.
When asked about the new arrangement for our solar system, Stevens students had some interesting opinions. “It’s like Tatooine!”, reported one excited freshman.
University officials also saw the bright side (get it?) of this issue. “Stevens might not have had a Nobel Prize winner in almost 100 years,” commented one administrator, “but we’ve definitely made a larger mark on the solar system than any other research university.”
As Stevens, and Earth, moves into its new, short era of two suns, this event has clearly shone a light on D4. No matter watt (get it?) your opinions, we hope this new sun brightens your day.
Disclaimer: this article is a part of The Stupe and is satire
