The commencement speaker for the Class of 2023 has been selected, and The Stupe was able to gain insider information on the potential candidates. After a competitive selection process, it was decided that NJ Governor Bill Murphie would be the Commencement Speaker instead of the runner-up: rap legend and laureate Ice Spice. This comes as a major disappointment to students who really connect with her eloquent lyricism, evidenced by her chart-topping singles like “In Ha Mood,” which peaked at 69 on the Canadian Hot 100 (nice). Dr. Rev. Spice inspires students with thought-provoking philosophical questions like “You thought I was feelin’ you?” and “How can I lose if I’m already chose?” which obviously resonate with the student body and address the issues that students care most about. “As a member of the Spice Cabinet, I was really disappointed in Snevets. Ice Spice is the greatest mind of this generation,” said Syd Phillips, a member of the SGA Cabinet. It’s unfortunate Lt. Colonel Spice was not given the honor, as she was additionally snubbed for the Grammys, and Nobel and Pulitzer Prizes, but ultimately Governor Murphie had greater availability compared to the busy rap superstar. When asked about the controversy, Murphie responded: “I have no idea who that is.”
Disclaimer: this article is a part of The Stupe and is satire
