We need friends. Martin Seligman, a foundational researcher in the field of positive psychology, discovered that out of the 100+ factors affecting happiness, the single greatest determinant is the relationships we have. And the bulk of that research was done directly on college undergraduates.
Loneliness has the same effect on our mortality as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Loneliness is deadly; it accelerates diseases and weakens our immune systems. A 2020 study done on dementia patients found patients with small social networks to have significantly lower levels of cognitive functioning than those with large social networks. Lonely folks even frequent the ER more. Loneliness not only has adverse effects on your physical health but also drastically impacts one’s mental well-being.
Despite the ever so evident benefits of social connection, individuals have been shying away from their friends for 30 years. Social networks are shrinking. In a Gallop poll, the number of Americans having ten or more friends decreased from 33% to 27% and the number of Americans with a friend at work decreased from 50% in 1985 to 30% in 2004. Throughout the pandemic, the lack of sociability was only perpetuated as 9% of men and 16% of women aged 18-29 years old reported losing contact with most of their friends. This problem, however, is uniquely American. According to a University of Michigan study, 25 percent of Polish and 45 percent of Indians vacation with their colleagues as opposed to six percent of Americans.
Not only are people’s physical networks changing but our attitudes are also changing regarding friendship. In a study surveying millennials and baby boomers in their senior year of high school, millennials valued having a friend at work significantly less than their older counterparts but valued extrinsic values like status and money much more than baby boomers did. The proportion valuing a friend at work decreased from 54% to 41% from high school seniors surveyed in 1976 to 2006.
I stress the importance of this and emphasize both the physical and the mental wellness effects simply because the rising epidemic of loneliness and our cultural obsession with independence does not have to be this way.
American culture has become infatuated with this socially desirable image of independence. The satisfaction of not needing anyone else. Not surprisingly, it often leads to depression.
Friendship is a transformational force. When we have friends, we live longer, happier, healthier, and more fulfilled lives.
So naturally, we ask, how the heck do we make friends? We take initiative.
This past summer a new friend of mine, Sara, reached out and invited me to take a trip with her. At the time we were not the closest of friends, but I was over the moon excited by Sara’s offer and immediately accepted. We went on that trip and had an incredible time and our friendship flourished from there. Today, I consider Sara one of my closest friends. Had she not taken that initiative on her part we would not be as close as we are today.
One of the reasons we avoid initiative is because we are bad at predicting how much people like us. I have a secret… People like you more than you think. A study found that individuals with low self-esteem significantly underestimated how appreciated they were in a relationship. This belief leads to low self-esteem in relationships which results in increased uncertainty making it more unlikely that we reach out to our friends.
Another reason is that we oftentimes are too concerned thinking about ourselves to reach out. The spotlight effect is simply when we overestimate how much others notice us, typically in a bad way. We think that people are focusing on our negative aspects more often than they actually are. In reality, people aren’t noticing the nuanced things you call yourself out for. More often than not, people are appreciating the great things about you. Try to be present. The spotlight is not always on us, especially in a negative light.
Given that, I encourage you to take initiative with your friends. Over a five-year period, those that act and initiate relationships and activities with their friends are far less lonely. Essentially, those putting in effort to their friendships had more friends and more meaningful relationships.
This may seem rather intuitive. Good news, it is. But this is easy now when we live in such proximity, share meals together, attend class together, and work together. When we leave an environment that makes it so easy to make friends, it becomes increasingly more difficult to grow our social networks, and becomes one of the greatest challenges people face.
Those of you that believe fate is going to bring you to the perfect romantic partner or new best friend, it won’t. Stop waiting. Take initiative. Your health and happiness depend on it.
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