“University Towers” update

As if the current housing system wasn’t perfect enough, Snevets has announced a few updates regarding the “University Towers.” 

Due to arbitrary, unjustified uproar over this semester’s housing registration process, Snevets has decided to reset current housing assignments and add every applicant to an extensive waitlist. As are most deadlines at Snevets, the deadline for the waitlist decisions is unclear and subject to change at any given moment. However, local experts project August 17, 2057, at 7 a.m.. Once applicants are accepted from the waitlist, they will access the Snevets Dining and Housing portal where they are required by law to choose the largest meal plan and renounce their GrubbsHub dollars, as an effort from Snevets to promote on-campus dining. After all, nothing compares to Pierce food. 

Unfortunately, if you are a “Pinnacle Scholar,” you will not be receiving housing. Like the tower’s alleged triples, “Pinnacles” simply do not exist and were only listed on the Snevets website to destroy friendships and fracture roommate relationships. Any “Pinnacles” in protest will be dorming in the basement of Gateway South. And yes, the basement may be haunted but it’s probably better than dealing with the AXE Body Spray stench permeating Humps Hall’s floors. 

In keeping with the memory of Crusty Point Hall (CPH), the oldest residence hall, Snevets announced that there will be no elevators in the new residence halls. As a recipient of the Healthy Campus Award, Snevets is committed to the health and well-being of its students. All residents of the towers will be expected to climb up the 18 flights of stairs. Sure, this makes the Towers rather inaccessible, and move-in will be a challenge, but Snevets has decided the student body ”needs to be getting gains” and the gyms just aren’t cutting it. Besides, 18 flights can’t compare to the walk from CPH to literally any academic building on campus. 

Moreover, Snevets administration is appalled by the lack of mice, spiders, and roaches in the towers, as the institution aims to be inclusive for all and promote diversity, including biodiversity. To combat this deficit, the mice from Jonas Brothers Hall and Dave’s Hall will be introduced to the towers at random times throughout the upcoming fall semester. One student who wishes to remain anonymous shared, “I just feel like it’s unfair. We pay so much for housing but the mice get to live here rent free.” This anonymous student has been mysteriously removed from campus, whatever that means. Snevets’ administration has declined to comment further. 

As these new updates have shown, living in the towers will definitely be an experience. Rising sophomores will have the opportunity to live in these beautiful (well, we haven’t been allowed in yet so we’re just taking a guess) towers, assuming construction is completely finished by this fall. This is no doubt an exciting opportunity for incoming residents. If for some reason, anyone has issues with these amazing new policies, the administration encourages “tak[ing] it up with Attila mano a mano.”