Although Snevets previously announced that it would be removing asbestos in the space previously occupied by Kernel Jan’s, it seems that the administration has had a change of heart.
Late Sunday night, in a campus-wide mass mail, apparently composed in a rush and riddled with typos and run-on sentences, the University announced that it would be halting the asbestos removal process and would, in fact, be taking the next few months to install asbestos in all Snevets classrooms.
“It turns out that this stuff is just really good insulation material,” the email read. “When these buildings were built last century, they stuck the asbestos in just because it was fluffy and looked like cotton candy. But now we know that it retains heat and fights the spread of fire! Right now our priority is to put as much of this stuff in as many walls and ceilings across campus as possible.” (Excerpt heavily edited for spelling, grammar, and clarity.)
The administration also announced that a Snevets research team is in the midst of developing a variant of asbestos that is an even more effective insulator and even more cancerous, called “As-BEST-os It Gets!!”
“But that won’t be used until we burn through the 12 tons of conventional asbestos we’re having shipped from the mines in Kazakhstan,” President Narfarvar cautioned at a press conference held to clarify the extensive ambiguity and confusing statements of the original press release.
“Just thinking about how much better this is going to make our campus is choking me up. All Snevets faculty and students can take a deep, deep sigh of relief now that this massive insulation upgrade is being implemented. Even articulating all the benefits is making me lose my breath. It is truly wonderful to thoroughly absorb all the exciting changes being made at this period in time; to feel the innovation simply flow through my body.”
Addressing safety concerns, Narfarvar assured the community that all structures containing asbestos would be tightly sealed, preventing the spread of the material’s microscope fibers, which are known to cause diseases like mesothelioma and lung cancer. The press conference was cut short after a mouse gripping a large chunk of asbestos in its mouth skittered across the table.
In a second email sent in response to the incident, Snevets announced that it was continuing the asbestos installation, but for safety reasons recommended refraining from breathing while indoors for the foreseeable future. “Everything is under control,” Narfarvar wheezed to a reporter in passing. Also announced in the email was that the opening of the University Center Towers will also be delayed another two years to quadruple the amount of asbestos in the new dorms.
At press time, the University announced that despite the change in plans with regard to asbestos, Kernel Jan’s will remain closed forever.
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