Attila the Duck and Dean Nilsen: the truth

For decades, the true identity of Attila the Duck has been a matter of concern to the Snevets student body. After all, how can you trust someone whose height “varies?” Finally, after years of trial and error, The Stupe has finally solved the case. Attila the Duck is actually Dean Kenneth Nilsen. Have the two of them ever been seen in a room together? 

Here at The Stupe, we conducted extensive research and found no concrete proof to suggest that Dean Nilsen is not in fact Snevets’ beloved Attila the Duck. Besides, “Nilsen” contains the letters “i” and “l,” just like “Attila” does. I may not be a math major (if those even exist), but this all adds up. 

Now, many readers may be surprised by this revelation, but we have uncovered a far greater conspiracy. Attila’s reign at Snevets began in 1972 and since then, a secret society has been established to protect his identity. This society, which an anonymous source tells us is named Deceptive Undercover Coalition Keeping Secrets (DUCKS), is the source of Attila’s anonymity. 

We have reason to believe that Dean Nilsen and many members of the Snevets community are affiliated with DUCKS. The sinister significance of the slogan “Go Ducks!” has come to light. Rather than simply promoting school spirit, this slogan is actually a rallying cry for members of DUCKS, who protect Attila’s identity at every major event. 

Now, the question remains, why does Attila the Duck keep their true identity hidden? Who are the DUCKS? Multiple theories have been presented. A possibility is that the elusive Pinnacle Scholars are inducted into the ranks of DUCKS, hence the secrecy around their program criteria. Other possible conspirators are the Honesty Board, Margarita the dog, Khoda, and NJIT students. 

Although Attila has every right to want privacy, their motivations are still uncertain. And, what could Dean Nilsen possibly gain from his secret life as Attila? Our sources suggest that Attila’s celebrity status has its perks. After all, as a lover of “free bread,” something must be funding Attila’s celebrity lifestyle. Good bread doesn’t come for free, especially not at Snevets. That bookstore merch must really be paying the bills — DuckBills that is. 

Duck Days. The Founder’s Day Ball. Student meet-and-greets. All this time, Dean Nilsen has been there, as his alias Attila the Duck. As our research suggests, Dean Nilsen is not the first Attila poser, and certainly will not be the last. At this time, we are still unclear as to how DUCKS truly operates. When does the switch happen? Are there other masqueraders? How many Attilas are there? These questions still remain unanswered.

The Stupe urges members of the Snevets community to come forward with any information pertaining to DUCKS’ practices. DUCKS is so elusive that Snevets has confidently offered to pay full tuition for any student who solves the mystery surrounding DUCKS.