After The Stute’s production night last Wednesday, I packed up my things and headed home for the night. In a trance of exhaust and delusion, I wandered the streets of Hoboken on the familiar path home.
When I got onto Washington Street, I noticed a hooded figure a few paces in front of me. Having seen weirder things on Washington Street, I was unfazed and kept marching forward. As I approached closer, I saw glistening coming from the figure’s robes, and I began to grow suspicious. In a bold move, I ran up to the figure and de-hooded them. To my shock, it was clear that Attila the Duck now stood in front of me.
For a second, I was starstruck, completely forgetting the creepiness of the situation. Was I supposed to run, or was I supposed to find a pen for an autograph? But before I could decide, Attila pulled out a bag from the depths of his robes and sprinkled a pixie-dust-like substance over my head. In a blink, he was gone.
Obviously, I had a lot of questions. Who even was Attila (suspicions say that it’s Dean Nilsen under the mask)? Where did Attila even live? More importantly, I wondered what the hell had Attila had just sprinkled over my head? After several seconds, I deduced that this was somehow connected to the systemic duck problem on campus.
The next morning, I decided to wake up fairly early and felt more cheery than usual, a stark contrast from my usual bleak state. What was to account for this change in attitude, I wasn’t sure. Puzzled, I went about my day, which only got stranger.
I walked to my first class of the day and was shocked to learn that I didn’t remember anything. Even weirder, I couldn’t remember anything before my freshman year. I dashed out of class (at an incredible speed, and I wasn’t even out of breath by the end). In an attempt to make sense of everything, I headed to Red and Gray cafe to grab some coffee. I handed the cashier my debit card, and she handed it back to me, saying that the transaction was rejected. I checked my bank balance and saw that my balance was $3.98 (one unfortunate cent short of the coffee). I walked outside and sat on the steps of Burchard, and hung my head in defeat.
I reflected on my awful day, and then remembered my interaction the previous night with Atilla. Was it all somehow connected? And then suddenly, it all made sense: my better mood, my lack of proficiency in my classes, the dramatic increase in my athletic ability, and shortage of money (well, to be fair, this might not have been a clue); I was in the body of a sophomore! For some reason, Attila had turned back the clock, but why? I was determined to find out.
I spent the rest of the day doing activities I thought to be privy to sophomores. I went to Pierce dining hall, which accepted my $3.98 to enter but after having me sign a contract to pay the remainder with 50% interest compounding hourly. After eating, I went to the library and pretended to be the main character for a bit. And that was pretty much it, I’m not really sure how else sophomores spend their time, to be honest. I retired that day and went to bed.
To my excitement, I woke up the next morning feeling tired, smarter, morbidly out of shape, and with a whopping $15.78 to my name. I’m still unsure why Attila turned me into a sophomore.
maybe it’s not about the journey, but the friends you made along the way <3.
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