Although I have a month until I walk across the stage at graduation, the time has finally come for my last column. As per usual, I have no idea where to begin given my mixed emotions about graduation. In some ways I am so done with this place, but in others, I’m not quite ready to let go yet. I guess more than anything I’m looking for some sort of closure especially after what happened to my undergraduate senior year last spring.
I remember going home for spring break and thinking we would be back in just a few weeks, one month tops. But the emails kept coming, announcing everything about how my senior year was just ending with a little apology note and a few YouTube videos telling us how great the Class of 2020 was from people who clearly didn’t understand what we were going through. Having all the fun and meaningful “send off” type events just taken away along with a virtual graduation was hard to deal with. More than anything, it lacked the closure that I, and probably most of my fellow graduates, really needed in a year filled with so much loss.
The whole situation felt like I was knocked down by COVID-19 and then repeatedly kicked while I was down. I was ready to just give it all up at one point. It felt like all the meaning of everything I worked for had been sucked out of my life in a matter of weeks.
I never had the chance to say goodbye. Goodbye to the people I took classes with. Goodbye to my favorite professors. Goodbye to all the clubs I was a part of. Goodbye to all the people who made a difference in my life these past five years. I never got to look any of them in the eye and tell them how much they meant to me and how much I was going to miss them.
I never got that closure and probably never will.
Some may argue getting a graduation for my Master’s degree makes up for it, but that’s really hard to argue when I can’t even be next to my friends or take the time to talk with them afterward. This graduation almost feels more like a funeral the way it’s being run. I’m still angry with the way this school treated the Class of 2020, and I’m annoyed at the way the Class of 2021 is being treated.
While graduations usually evoke a sense of joy and accomplishment, it’s become so much more than that for me. It has become a reminder of how nothing is guaranteed and that we need to relish in the few moments of celebration we do get in this life.
Even with all of that, writing this gave me a chance to remember all the good times I had too. From being a part of SigEp and founding the Martial Arts Club to going to Broadway plays and dancing the night away at Founder’s Day Ball with friends. Giving tours while people shouted happy birthday at me, and hanging out late at night after Stute meetings will always make me smile when I think back. I have enough memories to last a lifetime and then some. The late nights studying, filled with stress and drama are slowly fading away as time marches on.
There was never much before college that I could think about and just feel good on the inside, even if for just a moment. Now, I smile looking at all the pictures of me and my friends and thinking about my late night runs to Bagels on the Hudson and 7- Eleven plus all the stupid conversations we had on the way. Those are the memories that last forever, even though our time here went by so fast.
Though, I’m left wondering if I made a difference on campus and in people’s lives. I may have been happy, but did I make the people around me happy? Did I help to make Stevens a better place? Did I help bring them the same sense of fulfillment they brought me? And if I did, will they remember to pay it forward and learn from my mistakes? I can only hope the answer to all these questions are unequivocally yes. That became one of my goals early on (after giving up on getting a 4.0 GPA), so I hope I at least achieved that.
There is one quote that aptly describes how I’m feeling from the always insightful Winnie the Pooh. “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” As much as I hate this place, I have an equal amount of love for it and all the people here. I’m not quite ready to move on, but unfortunately time waits for no one.
Before I close the door on my final piece as the Senioritis columnist, I do have some people to thank. I figured this was the next best thing to being able to do this in person (especially since this edition is online only). First of all to the current Stute E-board for breaking precedent and allowing me to write this as a grad student, and to the past Stute E-boards and members for helping me discover a love for writing and being such great friends (as well as apologies to all the people who were forced to edit my work over the years, Angie in particular). Thank you to my martial arts club E-board, Connor in particular, for all the dedication and hardwork you put into making this club a reality.
Thank you to all my brothers who helped me to grow more than I could have imagined in such a short time frame. Specifically to my friends and mentors Nick and Kevin, as well as all of my many close friends (who I would list but I know I’m going to leave someone out by accident and feel really bad if I do). SigEp means so much to me and I will always be proud to be a SigEp.
Thank you to professors Billah, Brunell, and Hassiotis for being great professors, mentors, and friends (although Hassiotis wanted an apology, I hope this works in its place). Thank you to the best civil engineering senior design group. Thank you to the admissions office and fellow tour guides for allowing me to show off all the things I love about this school.
Thank you to all of my friends, Abby, Chaz, Burns, Peter, and Cole, who have been there for me since freshman year. Thank you to all the friends I’ve made here, of which there are too many to name, that I could always count on for either having fun or being there when I needed them most. Thank you to all of the mentors I’ve had along the way from school teachers to my Tae Kwon Do masters and everyone else in between.
And most importantly thank you to my parents, my sister, and aunt and uncle for all of your love and support, without you all I wouldn’t be the person I am today and I wouldn’t be where I am today. Words can not describe how much you all mean to me and how much I love you.
To the Classes of 2020 and 2021, I hope you loved this place as much as I did, even for all its flaws. And if you ever need someone to talk to, please feel free to reach out. Go on and do great things and when you need a smile I hope you can look back and remember all the good times we had.
It almost feels like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff getting ready to jump hoping the parachute I’ve been putting together for the past 22 years will work, and that I can enjoy the ride on the way down. Well I guess it’s just about time to find out and put my engineering skills to the test.
Senioritis is an Opinion column written by a current Stevens student in their last year of study to discuss life experiences during their final year at Stevens, and other related subject matter.
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