On March 28, 2021, the Center of Disease of Control (CDC) announced a new, highly infectious strain of COVID-1870: SIT07030, which health officials have nicknamed the “Duck Strain.” How did this new strain transpire? Experts presume that it originated from two Snevets freshmen who jumped in the Hudson River during the beginning of the Fall 2020 semester. These patient zeros have miraculously recovered from the Duck Strain, but many across the country have sadly been infected by this new strain. The reporters here at The Stupe have decided that it’s time to quack this case, and sought out to answer the public’s burning questions.
So far, the Duck Strain has been abundant around the Hudson River but has not expanded past the Tri-State Area. Upon examination of the water in the Hudson River, The Stupe researchers have deemed it toxic and warn all citizens to stay away from the viral disease it emits. As an aside, researchers have also warned that the Hudson River contains trace amounts of sewage, urban runoff, pesticides, remains of the Cookie Monster (sorry kids), and an abundance of duck waste.
Due to the highly infectious nature of the Duck Strain, the CDC recommends that infected people quarantine themselves for a minimum of 1825 days, which is similar to the lifespan of a duck. Pop culture sensation, Aflac Duck, has commented, “There is only one thing that’s worse than getting snapped out of the universe by Thanos, and it’s catching the Duck Strain.”
Trials of the vaccine effectiveness on the Duck Strain have been underway since the beginning of this year. So far, none of the vaccines have been proven effective at protecting against the Duck Strain. However, the two freshmen who have recently recovered from the Duck Strain swear that their recovery began after a rather strange home remedy. After ingesting a blended Maple Bacon Donut from Duck Donuts covered with duck sauce, the two freshmen instantly saw improvements in their body’s ability to fight the virus. To commend their tenacity, the Snevets Vice Presidential Provost Liason of Students commented, “These two Snevets Ducks must’ve come from hard-boiled eggs,” in an attempt to shed some unsolicited humor onto a rather grim situation.
The Duck Strain has its own array of symptoms, including many of the symptoms caused by COVID-1870. Symptoms include: nausea, headache, hurling, excessive diarrhea, excessive sweating under the eyes (sweating, not crying), skin having a greenish tint, uncontrolled quacking, unbridled desire for birdseed, elongation of mouth and nose (kinda like a beak), and webbed hands and feet.
It is still unclear how the Duck Strain will shape the next year of the pandemic. Professors at Snevets are currently developing a new vaccine, Rooster-Booster, aimed to stop the spread of the Duck Strain and a pill, QuackSnack, to lessen the symptoms. If approved, Snevets will be the only supplier of vaccinations and medication for the Duck Strain. Although knowing Snevets, it’ll be a while before these medications see the light of day.
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