As young women staring down the barrel of decades of career climbing and carving out lives for ourselves, I would like to propose the notion of dating with generosity as opposed to straight equality. It feels backwards to not place egalitarianism or equality at the forefront of my approach to dating. But in the reality of the existence of misogyny, I’ve come to realize it’s in my best interests to be selective with who I give my time and attention to. I’ve written in the past about having the self respect and dignity to know when to leave an interpersonal conflict alone. But I’ve come to realize the same principles apply if not more so to dating and relationships. In the same way we sink energy costs into interpersonal conflicts, we inject all of our love as well as our socialized selflessness and accommodation into relationships. But we often do this without even stopping to check if our efforts are being properly appreciated or returned. We might even get an audacious, “I never asked you to do that.”
Put bluntly, it is in our best interests to acknowledge that misogyny exists in the dating world and we put ourselves at risk of encountering it just by existing in it. The risks we face in dating can range anywhere from being more vulnerable to contracting STIs to discrimination and violence. While obviously this does not apply to everybody, the risk is never zero. This is where I feel generosity as opposed to equality come into play in my mind. As much as I would love to live in a completely egalitarian society, the reality is that women still face misogyny on individual, structural and cultural levels. Someone worth dating will meet me in that middle as opposed to a superficial middle. This extends into the long term as women face the reality of expectations to perform a majority of unpaid labor and take hits to their salaries and careers after marriage and children. It is worth the effort of being selective with who gets my time and attention at the risk of spending it on someone that doesn’t acknowledge the ripple effect a relationship can have on a woman’s life. Who we let into our lives can often mean the difference in things like how much unpaid labor we do, our degree of independence, and the amount of stress we face in our day to day lives.
If someone I have decided to let into my life is not adding to my life, then they are likely subtracting from it. I’ve learned not to let flakiness and subtle attempts to put me in my place take up space in my mind. With generosity in relationships as opposed to equity or fairness, generosity is a step above equity. It is valid to want to be with someone who will try to improve my quality of life and make me feel special. Women often already do so to their partners out of habit and socialization, but it is important to realize we are allowed to want the same for ourselves. If someone pursuing me is only making my life more difficult with confusing head games or half-assed efforts, it’s simply not worth it. When it is my life and future at stake, I make the choice of who is going to be there with me and what their contribution is going to be.
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