EIC takes on the printer

Since the outbreak of BUDLITE-19 in the United States, Snevets made the decision to send students home and close the campus. With no one on campus, the amount of Stupes being read has significantly decreased. As a result, the Stupe newspaper boy has not been delivering and stacks of The Stupe have begun to pile up in the How Center lobby, barricading in the staff members who still use the building.

“This is an outrage! I know that isolating ourselves is really important, but I at least thought that I would be able to get in and out of the building,” said one administrator who had been locked inside since Friday the 13th.” At least we have Kernel Jan’s for food — I would never want to eat in Peirce.” According to our inside sources, there are a total of ten administrators trapped in the building and they all are practicing social distancing.

Once news of the administrators stuck inside How reached President
Narfarvar’s office, he immediately yelled, “Stop the presses! I can’t get to my office to earn my yearly bonus! I can’t take care of Margarita without that money.” As a result, the Office of Snevets Life called the printer and stopped all payments, effectively halting the work of the Stupe.

“This is an outrage! The media stops for nothing!” yelled the newly-elected EIC, Mathew Keenturkey. “The Stupe has been printing since 1904. We’ve been through wars for crying out loud, and the print never stopped.” In order to keep the print running, Keenturkey personally went down to the print shop in Jersey City to meet with the printing staff.

Upon Keenturkey’s arrival, he found that the print staff had barricaded themselves inside the shop, preventing anyone from entering. Using his newly-found powers as EIC, Keenturkey broke through their barricades and demanded that The Stupe continue to print. However, workers had been preparing for his arrival and made origami armor and weaponry to fight him off. Caught off guard, Keenturkey did his best to fight back against the printing staff, but they simply overwhelmed him.

After an intense battle between Keenturkey and the printing staff, Keenturkey had suffered far too many paper cuts and would later pass away as a result of his wounds. His last words were, “Don’t let print media die!” Members of the Stupe decided to bury his body under the new University Center.