On “On the Piece”

Local “reporter” Mark Krupinski squandered what little respect he had last week when he came out with his newest article, “On the Piece.” The piece in question was Mark’s previous article, “Aileen Quinn,” which was heavily controversial due to its very detailed description of suicide victim Aileen Quinn’s last few months. “Aileen Quinn” included Quinn’s falling GPA, her absences from class, and several transcripts from Quinn’s personal communications. Sources close to Krupinski have said that he wanted to also include Quinn’s blood type and Zodiac sign, but thought better of it and only published her birth certificate for maximum journalism. “I wanted to get all of the warning signs,” Krupinski stated, frantically scribbling down the fact that Quinn had eaten a BLT before her death. “You always gotta watch out for the signs! If your friend has blue eyes and got an 85 on their last test, I’d call CAPS immediately!”

The Krupster’s reputation as a journalist had been declining ever since last semester, when he released his Presidential Candidate Power ratings during the latest SGA presidential election. In these rankings, Markinski Krupinski endorsed the Hannah-Buckman ticket with the type of clear and obvious bias that all respectable reporters jam into their work. What makes this egregious is the fact that he had failed to endorse those two beefcakes/master statesmen Brandon Seidman and Simon Pepa, who were also on a ticket that election cycle. After people noticed that Mark-inski had failed to grant Seidman and Pepa the glowing recommendation and pledge of allegiance that they so rightfully deserved, they were shocked. “Gasp!” they said, in shock. That day, Krupinski lost 12 Good Boy Points, part of a reward system that the Stute uses to keep their reporters in line. Currently, the Krupmaster General is sitting at a dismal 2.5 GBP, earning him the lamentable title of “Bad Boy.”

Normally when someone writes an entire article about a previous controversial article they had written, it is to apologize and offer placid excuses about why they couldn’t have done it right the first time. Not so for our Mr. Krapinski! Instead, this titan of journalism doubled down, insisting that he had been in the right the entire time and it was in fact everyone else’s fault for not immediately recognizing his brilliance and reporting prowess. He claimed to have started a conversation, which is the classic line for someone who has messed up hugely to say. What stood out in “On the Piece” was Kruplinki’s claim that 6 hours before publication, someone went into his article and fundamentally changed it, and it was only due to Marky-Boy’s quick thinking that he was able to revert 80% of the changes back to their intended glory. While this may sound like the reporting equivalent of “My dog ate my homework and also disrespected a suicide victim,” Off the Press was able to get the inside scoop that there may be some validity to Markiplier’s claim. However, the fact that 20% of the article was written by someone else when the article is 100% bad does not do wonders for Markus Aurelius’ argument.

Markrupinski is unabashedly proud of his work, calling anyone who disagrees with it “Dumb, Stupid Little Pea-Brains” who have yet to master the art of the Oxford comma. He has relieved himself of any wrongdoings, declaring himself the master of objective journalism and a beacon of hope that the weary school so desperately needs. As he says in his article, “None of us can truly be sure about how Aileen wanted to be remembered. We can’t say that she wanted to be remembered with an objective piece about potential warning signs. But we also can’t say that she didn’t. We can’t say whether she liked Fast and Furious 7, or whether she preferred ketchup on her hotdogs or mustard. We simply cannot know! So I feel completely justified in my article, and anyone who disagrees can shove it!”

While Off the Press is not known for its insightful commentary, we can rest assured in this case that Marco Polonski has crafted a response article 10x worse than the original. He even came close to stealing our brand: if he had labeled it “Off the Piece” we would have had to press charges. For now, our scathing hit piece is at an end; you may rest soundly, dear readers, knowing that the eagle-eyed reporters here at Off the Press are always on the lookout for any rogue journalists who dare besmirch the good name of news.