I have a friend, let’s call him Henry. In high school, Henry knew exactly where he wanted to go to college: Columbia University. He talked and smiled about Columbia every chance he could get. No one else could match the excitement Henry showed when talking about his top choice. I remember the day he came back from his tour of the school:
“It’s gonna be so great man, I talked to the guide for like an hour after the tour. We even got coffee. I have his phone number! He told me everything about the school’s curriculums, the dorms, the clubs, campus life, their abroad program, what the people are like. HE EVEN SAID I WOULD BE A GREAT FIT THERE!”
“That’s awesome, man,” I replied.
“THEY BASICALLY SAID THEY WANT ME. Everyone was so nice to me, they all smiled at me, they laughed at all my jokes, I can tell they want me to come back,” he continued.
With how set he seemed on Columbia, I was curious about what other schools he would apply to.
“Where else are you going to apply?” I asked.
“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe a few state schools, but it’s not like it matters. Columbia wants me, and I want Columbia,” he said.
I smiled and said, “Sounds good, man.”
Six months later, Henry received a letter from Columbia saying he would not be given an offer to attend their school. He was crushed. In the weeks that followed, I would see him come back from the bathroom during class with teary eyes. Anytime someone talked about their own school, Henry had a solemn, glazed over expression on his face. He really thought Columbia wanted him.
One day, Henry and I hung out and I asked him how he was doing with applications.
“Where do you think you’ll go?” I ask.
“I don’t know, but I’m learning that’s okay,” he said.
“What does that mean?” I inquired.
“I really wanted to go to Columbia, Dave. And they said no. I felt so bad at first that I wanted to just sulk and cry alone, but I’m getting tired of being alone. It’s taken its toll on me. I can’t just sit in a bathroom and cry all the time. I feel weak and broken now, but not in a bad way. It’s definitely going to take some getting used to, but I see myself making a life out of this outcome that I never expected. The world felt very different the day I found out I didn’t get in, but I’m still breathing. Things never pan out the way you expect them to. I hate the way I feel but honestly, I feel fresher and different from who I was too. It sounds crazy, but I wouldn’t have myself feeling any other way, because it is what it is and everything that should’ve happened, happened. If this is how it’s supposed to be, then I am okay with it.”
I replied, “That sounds good, man.”
Henry thought he had his life figured out and knew exactly where he was going, which made it really hard for him to move on when Columbia rejected him. The truth about that situation is that our expectations will never tell us what will really happen. When we invest our lives in our expectations, it can break us horribly when they don’t go our way. At that point, we can either drive ourselves insane trying to force our expectations onto the world or understand that we are exactly where we’re supposed to be. It can be awful. We can and will cry and feel terrible just like Henry. But also just like Henry, a part of us will feel fresh. A glass ceiling in our head, shattered. With all the sadness and upset comes a new road we never knew we could walk down. A new person will fill in our empty shells. We all have expectations, but when things don’t go our way, we have to live with our feelings and know this is all part of the plan.
Message: Never try to predict the future in your head. Our expectations will be wrong, and it can hurt, but understand we are exactly where we’re supposed to be. When you don’t know where you’re going, just breathe, smile, and know that you now have more room to grow.
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