Valentine

“There is nothing in nature like it. Not in robins or bison or in the banging tails of your hunting dogs and not in blossoms or suckling foal. Love is divine only and difficult always. If you think it is easy you are a fool. If you think it is natural you are blind. It is a learned application without reason or motive…”

Toni Morrison, Paradise

It was the middle of December 2018, around midnight, when I was walking home (1700 Park, at the time) from campus. On my way back, I decided to stop by Weehawken Cove. I sat on a bench, pulled out my poetry book, and wrote until my fingers were numb from the air. Then I took off my shoes, my socks, and told myself it would be okay.

I have always felt a cloud hanging over me ever since I was young. And like a cloud, I’ve had weather patterns of my own. For days it could be red-hot anger, for days it could be disinterest in all things, for days it could be sadness for no apparent reason; and I never once questioned that something was not right. Mental health and wellness was not a topic spoken about in my household. The best I would be given is to “be strong” or be “the man of the household”, and so I complied and tried to bury my feelings. When I came to Stevens, I had no obligation to do those things, but that also meant I had to face what I internalized.

That night, in the middle of December, was one of many attempts. But what felt different that time is that it was the furthest I had gotten. Had it not been for worrying about what the consequences of my actions might be, I can’t tell you what the future might have held. But what I can tell you is that I promised never to do that to myself again. I promised myself I would seek help.

Scheduling an appointment with Counseling and Psychological Services felt alien to me, and it felt like I was revealing things I wish I could hide. Being forced to call or walk-in to make that first intake was a step I struggled taking. Even though it was just a receptionist and everything was confidential, having to say “I need help,” was never something I had to do before. I have always been an independent person. I have always figured out things on my own. And to have to relinquish that power in this process was the toughest step I had to make. But I had to get well.

After a few sessions, I was diagnosed with severe Seasonal Affective Disorder (now known as Depression with Seasonal Pattern), layered on with a mild depression that lingered throughout the year. I am a problem-solver at heart, but I knew this was no problem I could solve. This was a part of me. And that didn’t necessarily mean I had to embrace it, but it did mean I had to face it.

I made an action plan with CAPS to sustain myself through the rest of winter that year. That was the first time in my life I did things with an intention to better myself. What I took the most from these sessions is to do things more mindfully, and put myself first. Much of my life is rushing getting from point A to point B, but throughout this time, I felt each and every motion and emotion in what I did.

When I’d wake up in the morning, I would give myself time to form a more formal routine. Feeling the soap bubble in my hand from washing my face, or standing in the sun a little longer when I opened my blinds.

When I made myself meals, I would put careful attention into every step. Listening and watching the water boil when I made pasta, or kneading cookie dough with extra purpose.

When I went to sleep at night, I took time to meditate. I let each and every sound, smell, and outside sensation find its way within.

And my life slowly started to change.

I don’t like to talk about myself — well, at least things like this — but I think it’s important to be more open about my story. Since March of 2019, I have not fallen back into a depressive episode. I have kept those things with me everyday, and had I not sought out help and simply made a “self-love” plan for myself, I can’t say that I wouldn’t be experiencing love at this very moment.

Valentine’s day is a day of love, but we most commonly associate the day with loving those around you. Yes, I’m a little tight I won’t be getting a teddy bear and roses this year, but I think I’ll celebrate this year by fostering love with myself. Channeling love for others into love for me. It will never be selfish to care for your soul and corporeal form. You deserve to treat yourself kindly and with intention, things we commonly forget. 

College is not an easy place, let alone Stevens. We fall in love so easily with others and with material, or even immaterial, things. Love is beautiful. Love is painful. Love is being plucked by thorns until you finally feel blooming roses. Love is a process. Love is an intention.

Take time to fall in love with yourself today.