As an underclassman science major, it is fairly typical of me to begin to seek out internships and research opportunities to get some real world experience to slap on my resume. I toss my subpar resume into the LinkedIn abyss time after time and wait for the great unknown to echo back a response. It usually doesn’t, but I can at least tell my mom and dad I tried. With each uncertainty, I can’t help but feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a person that prevents me from achieving my goals. In my labs, some of my most important classes because they teach my the essential lab techniques I will need for my future career, I suddenly become clumsy and panicked. The built up significance in my head makes me terrified to mess up, and I overcorrect my mistakes before they happen. I’ve come to realize that in my ambition to be perfect, I’ve already sabotaged myself.
The incident in question that made me come to this realization was in my Cell Biology lab, which is basically “How to Use a Microscope 101.” We were using a specific staining technique to stain cells to observe the lipid content in their cell membranes. I started out the lab confident, until one mistake after another started building up and I became more and more agitated. With every slip, I began to overcorrect, causing even more mistakes. The truth is, with every harmless tip and pointer about my blunders from my TAs and lab partners, all it felt like I was hearing was “you’re not good enough.”
If I want to succeed in my industry, I have to accept the fact that I am not perfect. I can’t get every lab procedure right the first time, I can’t not make mistakes, and I especially need to ask for help from those around me. The feeling of needing to be perfect at everything at all times is a feeling many women can relate to — the apprehension that if you can’t do everything right the first time then you don’t belong at all. The fear that one mistake will make you an outsider in your own area of expertise that you’ve staked for yourself with your sheer effort and determination.
Over time, I’ve allowed myself to let go of some of my fears. I do badly on a hard test or show up a minute late to class here or there, not because I don’t care, but because I’m an inherently flawed human and that’s okay. I’ve recognized my perfectionism as another form of insecurity that has been holding me back. It has prevented me from trying new things, asking questions, and being a naturally curious person wanting to learn about the world around them. I predict my own failures before I even try, and then get upset when my preventative measures are the very things that cause my downfall. But in order to move forward, we have to realize that making mistakes is part of the process of becoming the true expert we are trying to portray ourselves as through our fears of imperfection.
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