University Towers to be named in honor of President Rump

Over the past year, numerous changes have been made to the infrastructure of Snevets campus. From the completion of the Babbio garage to the renovation of the Pound House, life at Snevets has never been better. But President Narfarvar has declared that this simply isn’t enough. “We need more buildings on this campus! After being impressed by the bodyslamming skills of Congressman Giantfore last year, I promised him a better building to bear his name.” Therefore with the construction of the new University Center, Narfarvar has decided to rename the building from the “University Center” to the “Giantfore Body Slamming Hall of Fame.”

When news of this broke to the Congressman, he said, “See? Nothing bad can happen when you body slam the right people!” In the following moments, Giantfore managed to body slam multiple officials walking through the Capitol Building. In doing this, he managed to receive thousands of dollars in re-election campaign donations.

Soon after, the Congressman boasted about the new name of the University Center at a meeting with President Rump. Blown away by the quality of Giantfore’s body slamming skills, Rump decided to donate one billion dollars to the Snevets Endowment. In return for this kind gesture, Narfarvar has decided that the new towers coming out of the Body Slamming Hall of Fame would be named in honor of President Rump.

“Both towers will bear the Rump name in large gold platted letters for the entire city of Hoboken to see!” declared Narfarvar. These are the same letters found on Rump towers across the United States. It was later reported that Narfarvar would receive an additional bonus from the Snevets Board of Trustees, tripling his bonus from 2016. Narfarvar was later seen taking his new helicopter from his new Manhattan penthouse to the top of Howe to get back and forth from work to avoid the angry student protestors surrounding Howe.

What President Narfarvar failed to mention during this announcement was that 99% of all housing fees from the towers would go directly into the Rump family account located offshore in the Cayman Islands. In addition, Rump requested that the Stupe office in Howe be turned into his personal getaway within the city of Hoboken. In a tweet explaining this move, Rump said, “I like the view from Hoboken. I can see all the Rump towers and golf courses from there. Plus the Fake News organization known as The Stupe is now failing.” Due to this move, The Stupe is currently homeless and in desperate need of office space (what else is new?). If you or a loved one knows of free office spacem please contact the Stupe business manager as the budget committee has denied our AFR.

Additionally, former New Jersey Governor Krispy Kreme has decided to make a donation to the Snevets endowment after being inspired by his boss, President Rump, and his generous donation. While Kreme couldn’t match the size of the donation of Rump, he still gave a large undisclosed sum of money to the school. For this, the double-decker bridge between the Rump towers would be formally named the “Governor Krispy Kreme Bridge.”

The Kreme Bridge has quickly become the most heavily-trafficked bridge on the Snevets campus. However, it was later discovered that Kreme was disappointed by the fact that his name wasn’t placed on a building. It is rumored that in retaliation, Kreme ordered the Snevets Civil Engineering department to “conduct a traffic study” by closing down parts of the bridge. “I was sitting in traffic for hours!” one student griped. “This never happens — I’m usually across in a matter of minutes!” Although Kreme denies these allegations, further investigative work will be conducted by The Stupe to determine what really transpired.