Re-opening of Jacobus and Whitppen Walk

As many may already know, at the end of the fall semester, the Hoboken Planning Board approved Snevets’ application for the construction of two towers that will provide future housing and space for student organizations on campus. After this approval, Snevets immediately began the first stages of the new University Center by closing Jacobus for asbestos removal.

Promptly after the closure of Jacobus, disruptions have continuously occurred on campus and Snevets immediately relocated the lab fee budget to pay multiple professionals for their expertise and advice.

At the top of the list of experts, Astrologer Demetra Lehman was brought in to investigate the cause of the instability of the Alexander House foundation which occurred prior to the approval of the University Center. As stated in her formal report, Lehman emphasizes that some of the disruptions to the future home of the Student Life offices were premonitions. “Unfortunately, due to Mercury in Retrograde during the time of the approval by Hoboken City Council, the stars have disagreed with the building of the towers. The cracked foundation in Alexander was a sign of the future instability, which is now afflicting the entire campus. Our friend Alexander was desperately attempting to warn us symbolically.” Lehman recommended that the only solution to resolve the conflicts in the stars is to promote horoscope reading as a way of life on campus and to enforce the use of Demetra© salt lamps in each dorm room.

Further disruptions include the shift of Feng Shui on campus causing the flow of rainwater to move from the Whitppen Walk to the McLean elevator. Our resident Feng Shui expert explains that water represents calmness, but because of the closure of the Whitppen Walk for the demolition of Jacobus, the concrete sidewalk is no longer the most calming location on campus. The water has now been displaced to the second most calming location on campus according to the water aura reading done by our expert.

Experts in paranormal activity suggest that the windows that have been left open during the especially cold month of January was not actually the work of students like previously suggested by administration but rather it was the ghost of David Schenk Jacobus. The experts explained that “Jacobus, the former Snevets graduate of 1884 and trustee, has been inhabiting his building as a ghost since his death and is now finding a new home on campus. He has been leaving all the windows in Howe open mainly in anger towards administration for closing the Whitppen Walk during the 64^thanniversary of his death week.”

These occurrences have been disturbing students and their ability to focus on their studies. The stress of the changes happening on campus has been weighing on many students and CAPS is now recommending that students with a low-stress tolerance to send [Snevets Announcement] emails directly to spam.

At the advice of many experts, Snevets has now decided to reopen Jacobus and wait for a Jupiter/Sun Conjunction to start the project over again. All items removed from Jacobus, including the asbestos, will be returning to their rightful place to calm the stars. The Whitppen Walk has been reopened so Jacobus’ guests can park on the walkway rather than competing with administration and faculty for parking in 8th Street lot.