Some of you guys might not know me, so listen up. Starting today, you better learn the name Audrey D’Souza and learn to respect it! These past three years I’ve been working day and night at this club and now, finally, I’ve received the coveted title of Editor-In-Chief.
Year after year, people run for Editor-In-Chief of The Stupe because they think they’re good enough. Like, what? Do you see anyone else vacuuming the office on Friday mornings or picking up half-eaten pizza? I don’t think so. How about getting a part-time job so you can stop commuting, just to have more time for a club? I don’t think so. And even better, do you see anyone else putting in full 8-hour shifts at their clubs, every single week of the semester? Since they were a freshman?
No one can compare to me, the first woman-of-color Editor-In-Chief. I have made so many sacrifices to get where I am today, and finally, with this editorial, I have the platform to call out all the people who have wronged me during my time here and demand they pay!
First and foremost, Mr. Eric S. Londres: Um, hello? How dare you and the rest of SHITTV attempt to overthrow me? Just because you didn’t like the writer training workshop doesn’t mean you have to protest writing and eat 5 slices of pizza each every week! I think fame has gone to your head, so I suggest you try meditating for a few hours or something. Definitely make it a SHITTV video out of it — it might get more views than the unboxing of chairs.
Mr. Nazeer Montana: I’d say fame has gone to your head, too, but I hear you’re trying to fight an institution or something. I just wanna say, I get that. When you go to a school with mostly white boys that don’t understand anything you’re talking about and try to tell you how to feel, things can get a little hectic. I never hold grudges, so I’ll forgive all the criticisms you gave The Stute, including calling us “the shade room” and criticizing us for publishing Mason Shlus’ misinformed opinion of the D&I proclamation.
Mr./Ms. Unnamed Administrator 1: About this time last year, you dared to propose throwing out the paper. Do you know that’s actually against the law? Freedom of the press is a First Amendment right, and by attempting to silence the voices of students, it shows that deep down, you only care about superficial things like U.S. News Rankings and increasing enrollment. How about looking into the issues that still persist one year later, like collapsing undergraduate departments or water issues in on-campus dorms. The worst thing is that instead of contacting US about the problem, you contacted the SGA about it. But anyway, now that you finally know my name, I expect to see some emails from you.
Mr./Ms. Unnamed Administrator 2: I have never actually met you, yet I know so much about you. It would be great if we could schedule time to meet, because I hear you’ve been talking behind our backs and are no longer an advocate for students. Is it true that once you “get high up there” and “know too much,” student problems seem trivial? Instead of having secret meetings with the SGA about us… get the picture?
There are more people I could address (you know who you are), but we already give you too much undeserved attention in The Stupe. I’m tired, and we gotta submit to our publisher by midnight. Stay tuned for next week for very real news and less shade towards people that don’t even know me. If you did, you’d know I’m too nice to actually write a diss track.
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