Campus suzerain Eric Londres has released his list of demands for Snevets after the Snevets government capitulated early last week, ending the four-semester-long war between the two superpowers. Snevets’ surrender was widely anticipated, as the amount of territory and manpower already lost by the once-mighty nation was so great as to interfere with even the most sacred aspects of Snevets life, such as Noodles with Narfarvar.
Londres’s demands, which form the bulk of the peace treaty being negotiated tonight, are as follows:
1. All students shall be granted priority registration, regardless of race, color, religion, sex (including pregnancy and gender identity), creed, preferred housing assignment, national origin, size, political affiliation, sexual orientation, shape, marital status, race (again), disability, genetic information, age, viscosity, membership in any organization or non-organization, registration status, physical orientation, species, parental status, motivation level, military service, current meal plan, or other merit or non-merit factor.
2. Snevets will release as independent nations all current colonies and vassal states, including Snevets Newport, 5 Marine View Plaza, and all Serious Long-term Housing (SLH) settlements.
3. The Giantfore Dynasty Academic Center will be bulldozed upon completion, and replaced with an exact copy of the North Building. This building will be referred to as the South Building, but will have the building code N to provide clarity.
4. In all future SGA presidential elections, voters will vote for their least favorite ticket instead of their most favorite. The ticket with the most votes will have lost the election, and all other tickets shall be considered the winner.
5. All Snevets officials will be considered volunteers, and will not receive any form of financial or other compensation. Also, all official positions will be considered elected positions, and members of the government will vote on who gets what job every year.
6. The Student Infuriation System (SIS) shall be replaced by a perfect replica of the Sorting Hat from the Harry Potter universe, with the notable exception that the confines of modern technology allow only truly random assignment of classes to all students.
7. Students will no longer require the signature of professors or the registrar to add themselves into a class that is closed or has already begun.
8. The SGA shall amend their bylaws on a strict schedule of no less than one amendment per week. SGA officials shall not be permitted to document the amendments.
9. Snevets’ official website shall no longer report on news, and all Snevets government newswriters shall join the editorial board of The Stupe.
10. Snevets Presidente Narfarvar shall pay Eric Londres $20.
While the terms of Londres’ proposed peace treaty are harsh, it is expected that the Snevets government will agree to the demands based upon the widespread exhaustion of the Snevets populace who, after several semesters of warfare and construction projects, are seeking peace and quiet over everything else.
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