Two days ago, a girlfriend I’ve known since freshman year left our small, shared group chat. There wasn’t any warning, per se. No dramatic build up, no screaming match of sorts. As far as ending friendships go, it was a fairly clean break. Practically painless, really.
One day ago, a close friend of mine broke up with her boyfriend of over two years. Not her first, but her second breakup, with a boy she’d made plans to move in with, maybe even marry one day. She’d joked not long ago that I’d be her bridesmaid at their wedding — and then, just like that, it was over.
Of the two events — can you guess which one took priority in my brain?
I spoke to my friend about what happened with her (now-ex) boyfriend, skipping any sort of critical evaluation about what happened with my old friend. Didn’t think about it twice. But what was left unsaid was this: the end of a friendship can be every bit as devastating as a breakup with a romantic partner. Even if the end wasn’t a fiery explosion so much as simply fading into the background.
Honestly? I hardly noticed it happen until it was over. Now, though, I think I should’ve paid more attention. And I wish I didn’t feel quite so callous saying that.
I don’t think I’m alone in this sentiment, though. In prioritizing affairs involving romantic love over the very real, sticky issues of friendship.
There’s a seemingly universal obsession with the intricacies of romance, and rightfully so. Romantic love evokes powerful feelings — hope and hatred, longing and desperation. It pushes us to do things we’d never do otherwise. It brings out the very finest, rawest of human emotions, fuels the stuff of legends and myths as well as our everyday reality.
Love stories are as old as humanity. Our fascination with them is unceasing.
And yet. Somehow. For all our obsession with love, friendships often get tossed to the side. They’re viewed as lesser, expendable in a sense. After all, in the throes of a new romance, it’s seen as perfectly normal, acceptable, even, to let old friends fade into the background. They’ll still be there, we reassure ourselves, if things don’t work out. Except they aren’t always still there. And when we come up missing, when old friends are suddenly gone, we simply cut our losses and move on.
Friendships are seen as something to pass the time, but finding romantic love? That’s the end-all. The final goal, the ultimate measure of if you’ve truly succeeded in the grand scheme of things.
Frankly, though, I think that’s the wrong approach.
I think friendship and romance are two sides of the same coin. They’re not quite as different as we’ve all convinced ourselves they are.
The lines between emotional intimacy and physical attraction get blurred all the time. That, for sure, is true. But it goes a bit beyond that.
If we are able to so clearly delineate what it is we do and don’t want in our relationships, how much time we’re willing to spend, what we’re willing to give up to get it — well, we should be able to extend the same to our friendships, too. And we should treasure them all the same, for as long as we have them. Because not all things are meant to last forever. Not all things can.
At the end of the day, we’re all looking to connect with each other. To crack a smile, make someone laugh, pass some time. The rise of social media and the digital age has left humans more connected, and yet, somehow, just as fundamentally lonely as ever before. We only serve to make ourselves lonelier still if we let ourselves think that romantic love trumps all other kinds.
A great piece of advice I read the other day, one that struck me in its simplicity: treat your friends like your lovers. Treat them with the same respect and priority and joy. Their presence in your life should be just as wonderful and giddy a love affair as the one you have with whoever you’re seeing. At the same time, we should also be allowed to view them with as careful an eye as we do our romantic relationships. To enjoy them while they last, and then let them end when the time is right. Or, conversely, to reconnect with those we’ve let pass us by, before they’re lost forever. There’s a whole universe of emotion to be found in friendships alone. Who’s to say that leaves you any less fulfilled than finding “the one”?
Make time for your friends, not just your lovers. Be honest. Be true. And, of course — don’t be afraid to fall a little bit in love, too.
Be First to Comment