Classroom: Penn, 1600
Teacher: Kelly, J
Reporter: Doto, M
Dear Parent,
This report card is intended to update you on the progress of your child, Donald, in the year 2018. Some parents worry when their child does as poorly as Donald did this year, and, well, I’m worried too. Given the issues I see in Donald, it would be a good idea for you to sit down with his teacher and discuss a plan moving forward, whether it means moving him out of this school to get more experience elsewhere, homeschooling him, or just hoping he improves on his own in time. Unfortunately, he does seem to be souring the classroom for the other students, so I highly recommend moving him out of 1600 Penn. Having prefaced accordingly, what follows are grades and comments on them, explaining what went right or wrong, and what might be done to correct course, so to speak.
Spelling: D-
Donald seems to have significant issues with proofreading his work before submitting it. While he may have improved since the ‘covfefe’ fiasco of last year, it would be greatly to his benefit to take advantage of external proofreaders, of whom there are many available.
Memory/Recall: F
Donald will frequently make bold assertions; however, when pressed for explanations or for more information, he will tend to claim that the original assertion was never made in the first place. This is behavior that must be stopped if he is ever to move forward in life honestly.
Economics: D
This seems to be the most hotly contested subject. Yes, under Donald’s watch the stock market has been doing well, in spite of more than a few large downturns. The performance of the stock market doing well, however, has little bearing on the status of the country (despite what Republicans, including Donald, would have you believe). Unfortunately for the rest of us, corporate interests will continue to dominate and therefore Donald will continue to receive undue praise.
Science: F
Donald seems to take issue with science. He so adamantly denies climate change exists that he has publicly contradicted the research of his own government mere days after it was released. This denial will surely lead to a delay in action on the part of the United States and may doom the entire world.
Human Rights: F-
In the last year, Donald has shown a penchant for mistreating young children. ICE, under his supervision, has put children in cages and has been credibly accused of practicing slavery in its detention centers. In just the last week, Donald allowed border patrols to use tear gas against incoming migrants seeking asylum in the U.S., turning them away and proving, once and for all, that the founding principles of America are not permanent. Couple this dehumanizing treatment of immigrants from our southern border with his wish to ban transgender troops from serving in the military, and you have a vile human being who should be convicted, not lauded.
Fascism: A
The only area Donald seems to excel in is fascism. He has a natural slant toward fascist policy, and his habit of referring to the press as the enemy of the people is right out of the fascist playbook. He also seems to take pleasure in gaslighting groups of people, denying things that so obviously have happened or treating horrible injustices as positives.
In review, Donald seems convinced that 2018 has been a model year for him, and that he has remained in the right throughout numerous scandals, any one of which might have put a previous president on the sidewalk. He has somehow succeeded in convincing a large group of followers of this too, many of whom seem to believe that everyone but the president and his staff are lying to the people. It is a sad day in America when Donald Trump is allowed to continue doing what he’s doing without consequence.
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