On grief and gratitude

I’ve always thought Thanksgiving was just a little bit tacky. Sorry, but it is.

Maybe it’s because Thanksgiving was never really a part of my cultural lexicon, or perhaps it’s the cynic in me, but there was always something that struck me as oddly contrived about the holiday. Let’s gather around a table with people we rarely see to acknowledge things we are rarely thankful for, in the vaguest terms possible. Bleh. Hard pass.

I don’t believe in saying niceties just for the sake of it. That’s never been my style. Maybe that makes me a more somber person, but that feels better than being inauthentic.

Maybe it’s also because I’m rarely happy around this time of year. It’s been that way for as long as I can remember — it’s too soon for the wave of all-encompassing ‘Christmas spirit’ to crash, but the day still gets dark and cold quickly, putting a damper on my mood. Deadlines are fast approaching, with final reports to write and exams to study for. Inevitably, personal drama spikes right around now. It’s all a bit overwhelming at times, and I don’t do overwhelming well.

But I think there’s a compromise to be found — a middle ground, between grief and gratitude. A simple way to try to keep a stable perspective.

This time of year sometimes brings stress and sadness and even some heartache —  and I’m going to leave room for it. It won’t last forever, but it is for right now.

And that’s okay.

I try to give myself space to sit with my messy feelings. My inexplicable, irrational feelings of ingratitude and entitlement and grief. Denying myself that necessary period of grieving, in an effort to rush towards gratitude, would prevent me from ever feeling truly grateful for what I have.

And yet — winding down on my last fall semester here, I find that there’s plenty that leaves me grateful. Really, truly grateful.

I have received opportunities I do not deserve, the recognition I never expected, and challenges I never thought I could meet. I have friends who are supportive, a family who loves me, and peers who are wonderful to be around.

I’ve grown so much — mentally, emotionally, creatively, what-have-you — in the last semester alone. I am always pushed past my comfort limits, and I am always thankful for those challenges, too.

As you enter your final week of classes, I encourage you to take the time to dissect what it is that has given you grief, and what it is you’re grateful for. Take stock; reflect on where you’ve come, and where you have yet to go. Then finish strong.

To everyone getting ready to take finals — good luck, power through, and see you on the other side.

Until then!