President Narfarvar of Snevets announced, in his final speech as President, that he has sold the school. Up-and-coming entrepreneur and inventor Heinz Doofenshmirtz offered 20 million and 1 dollars for the entire institute, with plans to make it greater than ever before. President Narfarvar hopes that his time here has been well-spent and that he will be remembered fondly. However, before stepping down, Narfarvar explained the final changes he will be making to this great institute.
All Snevets leased housing residents are subject to trade apartments with the resident director at any time the resident director feels he or she does not have the best apartment possible. This change will roll out immediately, but any students directly affected by this change will be given at least 12 hours notice to remove all of their things and wait for their next assignment. “Remember, Housing is guaranteed,” Narfarvar pleasantly reminded everyone, “but it’s up to us to say where and when.” Narfarvar went on about this new program, adding, “any resident assistants that feel like they do not have the optimal living space in their building can just suck it up.”
An update is planned for the Snevets identification card system. “This will improve school spirit, as well as safety around campus,” Narfarvar boasted, explaining that “all students will now be given a rubber duck as their ID.” This revolutionary rubber duck program is not expected to be carried out in any other university for years to come, making Snevets the innovative school we were promised. The duck will include all necessary information on its bill, which can still be swiped for convenience, and the student’s photo will go on the bottom. Another benefit is the color coding. Each major will have a different color — Electrical Engineering with Snevets gray, Civil with Snevets red, Mechanical with green, any of those art things with blue, and the rest will have white. Each duck will also have a convenient chip, which will monitor movement to assist in attendance taking. “And for anyone considering just giving their duck to a friend so they receive credit in a class, don’t do that.”
“We also, as a school, have decided to disband the SGA.” Narfarvar was cut off by a spear striking his podium. Behind the crowd, decked out in full war paint, stood a gathering of former student senators.
“We will not go gentle into that good night!!” yelled former President Timmy Monthly, returning to defend the SGA. It was agreed that the Battle would be postponed until after the speech ended, so each side sat to listen to the new president speak while sharpening weapons and preparing armor.
“Hello, ladies and gentlemen. From this new base of operations, I will easily rule the Tri-State Area. First, new rules.” The new president instituted first and foremost a complete and total ban on any aquatic mammals on campus. He continued to declare that all engineers would be required to take -inator classes, but since these classes will replace the design spine, most engineers won’t notice any difference. President Doofenshmirtz also announced an update to our alma mater, which from now on will be the Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc. song. All four students who had the alma mater memorized were devastated. Finally, President Doofenshmirtz announced that he wished the best for all Snevets students not named Roger and thanked former President Narfarvar for accepting his humble offer for the school, remarking, “it really is a lot of money, certainly worth more than any kind of student petition or anything.”
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