It is with great concern that I inform my fellow students of the rampant outbreak of freshmanitis on the Snevets Institute of Technology campus. The senior administration at the university is in disbelief that 90% of the freshman class has fallen victim to this insidious plight.
While a “Patient Zero” has yet to be determined, the Snevets Health Center speculates that the rapid increase in student population might have contributed to the spread of the disease. With over 800 freshmen, it is no doubt that overcrowded classrooms, forced triples in the residence halls, and limited library space have played a significant role in the outbreak.
I am happy to report that our sophomore, junior, and senior students are at this point safe from the affliction. However, it is in your best interest to refrain from all communication with any freshman student exhibiting the following symptoms: unexplainable runs across campus, consistent complaining about Freshman Quiz period, lanyard ownership, short-term memory loss concerning the location of campus IDs, possession of half-working Arduino robots in decrepit cardboard boxes, and fear of having little to no time for anything.
Thankfully, the Department of Chemists and Chemical Biologists is working diligently to develop a cure. Those students who have committed themselves to a career in drug therapy are pleased to note that a compound, developed with support from the Snevets Center for Healthcare Innovation, has already entered Phase II clinical trials. Afflicted freshman students looking to get A-pluses and perfect GPAs are encouraged to enter the trial.
Stevens is the third institution of higher education that has fallen victim to freshmanitis. We now join WPI and NJIT, universities that have struggled to contain the spread of the disease over the past several months. WPI leadership has recently reported a significant portion of its sophomore class showing similar symptoms to the afflicted freshmen.
I am hopeful that the drug in development will prove to be both efficacious and safe. In the meantime, freshmen have been quarantined in the Canavan Arena, the only space big enough to host several hundred students. While this is upsetting news, upperclassmen have been seen rejoicing in those coveted spots on campus — the library and Pierce Dining Hall, specifically — which are now vacated by the school’s most recent additions. “I feel rejuvenated,” said one junior student, who claims that he has not been able to sit in the library since his own freshman year. “There is just so much more room!”
Snevets Campus Police was mandated to continuously monitor the campus; however, even our beloved “Dads with badges” fear for their own health. They have since relocated to a new office in the basement of Kidde, a strategic move to decrease the likelihood of freshman contact.
The next few weeks will be difficult, but if there is any consolation, all students should expect a cancellation of all final examinations for the Spring 2018 semester.
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