Under pressure from the administration, CompassTwo will be removing meat options from Pierce Dining Hall. “The environmental consequences of today’s livestock industry are beginning to show themselves. Not to mention the inhumane treatment of the animals,” said one representative, mockingly. The real reason for these changes, according to a statement released Sunday, is a growing number of little Arnold Schwarzeneggers at the school.
“We felt the presence of muscular and, frankly, super attractive male students ran contrary to our long-term vision as a technology school. I mean, we have freshmen coming in looking like Hulk Hogan. Where do these kids think they are?” asked a bewildered President Narfarvar.
The motion comes with other recent changes to school policy, such as revised academic breaks, intended to boost the school’s image as a preeminent technological research institution. “How are people going to believe we’re pushing the boundaries of hybrid quantum-communication when we’ve got these kids running around? Like, if their muscles could do math we’d be making top-10 lists,” stammered Provost Christopher Pear.
“I’m getting a lot of mixed signals,” added one athlete upon learning that tofu will also be removed from the salad bar. Vegans, for their part, think their complaints had something to do with it.
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