10

This week I’ve been experiencing the weirdest sensation; it’s not painful, but never have I felt more like a child. I constantly put my fingers in my mouth, biting down, because I can feel my wisdom teeth coming in. Luckily, I do not need to get them removed, but only because ten-year-old me got four permanent molars pulled for braces.

I don’t remember it being too painful. I got laughing gas and the area was numbed, I’m pretty sure. It was too long ago to recall many details. Memories, especially those from childhood, are rarely accurate. Each time you think of a memory, you are actually remembering the last time you were thinking of it – not the actual event itself. It’s like a game of telephone, but in your mind. After many years, everything gets distorted, and, unless the original memory was recorded somehow, there’s nothing to compare the final result to.

Sometimes I try to remember the past. Not high school, but farther back: Middle school, elementary school, it’s unclear. There are things I know happened, factually: Stories that friends managed to keep somewhat intact by reminding each other by going, “Remember the time…” every few months for years and years. It was harder before you could record memories on Facebook, or look back into your camera roll to verify what happened. I wonder what it’s like for my parents, if they can remember anything at all. At least my childhood was full of pictures taken on our film and later digital camera, which were all developed at Costco. Their childhoods didn’t have pictures. Maybe only family photos. Do they remember when I was getting those teeth pulled? There’s a picture of the gauze in my mouth I think. If anything, they probably remember the bill.

The bill, it’s always the bill. The bill reminds me that I’m still a child. Even though I can vote next week, as long as my parents pay my bills, I’m a child. The molars coming in aren’t helping how much I feel like I’m teething either. How much the tuition bill will add up keeps me up at night. The website will advertise the ROI and job placement, but not how students here hold the highest student debt in the nation. Where I speculate all money goes to – definitely not readjusting sprinklers that water the asphalt – will be saved for another issue, but really, I want a job. It sucks I don’t have work study, because those jobs are really envious. Money makes me want to overload, apply to be an RA, get an internship this summer. I don’t like being reliant on my parents. Not in a way that I want to get away from them, but rather, I want to repay them for what they’ve done for me. There’s just so much I’m incapable of right now. I’m still a kid, and I have to worry about my Physics grade first.

For now, I have to settle for calling my family as much as I can. When I go home, I try to sleep in my mom’s lap a little longer each time. She used to always express that her body hurts from working evenings, but only now I’m starting to sympathize. People who support you and build you up, not just financially, are important to show your appreciation to. The words you say are most important. “I love you” can go a lot farther than criticism, or bitterness. Even if you don’t think you believe it, still say it. Everyone’s circumstances are different, sure, but to love is more liberating than to hold onto the weight of the past. Look at the future the way you used to when you were ten, with optimistic eyes for love and happiness. It might be difficult now, but everything can always improve gradually. After some time, you won’t even remember what you felt like right now anyway.