Time for yourself

Last weekend was the first time that I stayed on campus the entire time. For all three days, literally no one was around. I know it was a long weekend, but it was strange with everyone living in a two hour radius of Hoboken actually going home. Even my roommate who usually takes NJ Transit managed to get back home and see her family for a night. I never could have anticipated how empty campus would be. I was shocked. I propped my door open and not a single person walked by for three hours. Pierce had maybe four people in it. My room’s near the bathroom, and occasionally I’d hear water running, but I never saw a person pass by.

Without anyone around, with all my friends at home, I felt good. The quiet was peaceful, rejuvenating. Saturday I slept all day. I woke up at eleven, ate lunch, took a nap at three, woke up at seven, and went back to bed at midnight. There was nothing to do besides eat and sleep. I could have done “better” things, and I did go to the mall at one point, but fell victim to laziness. I told many friends that I was bored without them around. While it was true I did miss them, the quiet was something I missed more.

There are some times where the chatter of others is good. When you want to be distracted from something stressful, it helps to have others dictate the conversation, place other things to think about in your mind. Such white noise is required for humans to keep themselves together. But that exactly is the issue, being distracted. With too much going on, it is easy to forget about yourself.

I haven’t been alone since starting school. It’s good to have friends of course, people asking if you’ve ate, if you’re free in the evening, but lately I’ve been feeling that I’ve been with others too much. That I have been basing my decisions around group plans, or spending time because someone asks me to accompany them on a “quick run” that I know will be an hour long excursion. I want to be a good friend, I want to always say yes to these small requests. But every day,  I seem to be up later and later at night doing easy homework because I spent time in the afternoon doing things for other people.

This weekend I was really glad to have some time to myself. It was lost catching up on sleep, but that sleep wasn’t useless. My body hurts less, I have fewer pimples maybe, and my regular personality came back for a day.

Some people will tell me that saying yes to too many people is my own fault. It is, they’re right. I’m trying to get better at that. So for now, I’ll change one habit. I’m not going to advertise when I go to eat. Not that I won’t join people for food ever again, but that I won’t be that friend who sits at the table idly because they already had a third lunch anymore. I’m just going to eat when I am hungry. If someone else is hungry at the same time, perfect, we can eat together. If not, that’s okay too.

I don’t understand why being at Pierce alone, or simply being alone in general is stigmatized. I know people who skip meals because they can’t bear eating along. Sitting by myself, glancing at the skyline and thinking about myself, that’s honestly my ideal day. 

If you didn’t last weekend, take some time for yourself this weekend. Even if it’s one small snack, grab a coffee and sit at a table by yourself. Not those two person tables where no one can see you, but boldly, hog a four person table. Put your phone down, no one cares if you are busy or have friends. Everyone’s concerned about how they look anyway. Stare into space like a weird person and immerse yourself in your own thoughts. It’s a kind of experience that people want to associate with for some reason. Solitude.