A few years ago, I knew an incredibly talented girl. She was considered a “golden girl” by many, and rightfully so: She was sharp, athletic, very popular and mostly very friendly. She was also, in many ways, a female success bar none. She’d shattered stereotypes by rising to power in many male-dominated activities and was really considered, in many ways, “one of the guys.” Only problem I ever had with her? Despite being in a position of power, she completely sidelined and ignored the girls younger than she. She was too busy being “one of the guys.” Not once did I ever see her go out of her way to try to mentor or help other girls. As a result, girls continued to flounder in those activities despite having a “female leader” right there.
I remember being pretty angry about it then. In many ways, it felt like her privilege was such a waste. She had shattered several glass ceilings, but for what? As someone who looked up to her and what she’d done, I was disappointed and upset that she didn’t seem to care in the slightest about helping other girls out, to the point of virtually ignoring them. As a sort of promise to myself, I went out of my way to try and be there for younger girls who needed me. I don’t know if I always delivered on that promise, but I certainly did try, and it was the thought that I think helped the most.
Fast forward to this year. I had the opportunity of being able to attend an alumni dinner with Moushmi Culver thanks to Women’s Programs. Mrs. Culver is also an inspiration in many ways: After graduating from Stevens in the early 2000s, she managed to make her way up the corporate ladder and is now an incredibly powerful player at Merck & Co., a global pharmaceutical company. Her talk was incredibly inspiring, but the one thing that I loved about her talk was her insistence on helping other women in her company rise up and succeed. She told us how surprised upper management was at whom they deemed “new” talent, when in reality, they were simply women who she’d encouraged a little. Mind you, she had her own professional and personal commitments to worry about, but a little encouragement was all it took to pay it forward to other women who needed a boost.
The two women I’ve cited are so fundamentally different in this exact regard. Contrary to popular belief, breaking into the old boy’s club isn’t enough to challenge sexism and bring more women to the forefront of professional success. Women need to actually dedicate themselves to helping each other in order to see real change in the workplace.
Women compete with each other just as men do. But in a workplace that’s already fraught with gender inequality and still-persisting beliefs that women are not competent or aggressive enough to be leaders, not helping each other out is more harmful than helpful. If you “make it” and do nothing to help the women around you, you perpetuate the idea that women are not fit for advancing in the workplace. Instead you indicate, unintentionally perhaps, that you—and only you—are the exception to that.
Do men do the same thing? Perhaps they do. But they have an advantage on their side that women don’t: strength in numbers. Men, by and large, make up far more of upper level management than women do in practically every industry. So the impact of one upper-level woman holding back from helping younger women hurts more than one man in the same position. Whether we’d like to or not, we have to be each other’s support systems. The luxury of not doing so is not one that can be afforded to us.
And here’s the thing: No one understands girls better than, well, other girls. The experiences we have are so unique that they simply can’t be replicated or understood by anyone other than other girls. Even for a woman who’s considered “one of the guys” (and that’s a lot of female engineers here, thanks to the rigor of the degree), the experiences she has are distinct. Rejecting traditional feminine stereotypes and shattering the glass ceiling doesn’t mean forgetting about other girls who have yet to get there. Being “one of the guys” at the expense of ignoring other women helps perpetuate the stereotypes about women that already exist and continue to hinder them in the workplace.
So if you ever see a girl in need of mentoring, help, or support, don’t see her as competition. Help her instead. Because when one rises, we all rise. And that’s the kind of change that’s good for everyone.
