A couple of weeks ago, I read an article by the New York Times called “27 Ways to Be a Modern Man.” According to the article, the Modern Man cares for his wife and daughter, understands fashion, keeps up with literature, does some chores, buys his wife flowers for no reason, and isn’t afraid of being emotional or vulnerable. Oh, and he cries every now and then. Still, all perfectly reasonable attributes for a man to have, right?
I thought so, too—that is, until I read the comments beneath the article on Facebook. The most liked comments on the article were: “[t]he Modern Man sounds a lot like a woman” and “[m]aybe the Modern Man should stay at home and keep house if he’s so damn girly” and of course, one of the best ones, “[c]leaning and emotions […] both are reserved for women.” Um, ouch?
Now, I get it—the writing style of the article was super tacky, and the sweeping generalizations about the “Modern Man” (whoever this guy actually is) were definitely cringe-worthy in parts. But the comments? A bit unasked for. The absolute worst thing you can be as a grown man is… like a woman? Really?
Uh oh, boys. Your casual sexism is showing.
Why is anything the slightest bit feminine considered such a bad thing for guys? This is a completely legitimate question. What’s it like to not to be able to freely enjoy fashion, cute kitten videos, mani-pedis, or the color pink? I really gotta know because y’all are missing out. Just saying.
On a more serious note, living up to masculine conformities comes with an enormous pressure. Hell, I’ve got some second-hand pressure just thinking about it. There’s an expectation that the man will be the main breadwinner in the household. There’s pressure to remain emotionally removed at all times, to never cry or show weakness. In short, there’s pressure to never express traits or behaviors stereotypically seen as “feminine.”
For women in or aspiring for leadership positions, there’s high pressure to conform to masculine ideals as well. Think about it—as women, we’re expected to be loud, aggressive, and decisive in ways that men are often expected to be, in order to be seen as real leaders. (And, if you read my last article, we’re also consequently punished for it. If our traits are too traditionally “masculine,” we’re seen as a bitch, but if we’re too traditionally “feminine,” we’re seen as incompetent or not worthy of leadership. It’s a never-ending Catch-22.)
The evidence of this sort of pressure is there in real life too—just look at women in politics. Female politicians like Elizabeth Warren or Hillary Clinton will never be seen in a dress, instead opting for the much more masculine pantsuit. And of course, because of their more aggressive, traditionally masculine roles, both are subject to a much higher level of political scrutiny than their male counterparts ever receive, whilst any shows of emotion or political mishaps are chalked up to their inherent “womanly weaknesses.”
In short, society makes it pretty clear—masculine traits = good, feminine traits = bad. (Unless you’re a woman, in which case both are bad. Sorry, you lose regardless.) No matter which way you slice it, conforming to “masculine” ideals and masculine ideals alone is seriously rough business.
But what’s wrong, exactly, with displaying stereotypically feminine traits? And more, importantly, why does it even matter?
Actually, let’s take it a step further and be completely honest with ourselves for a second here: what’s really “masculine” and what’s “feminine?” The world isn’t black and white. We all fall into different parts of the masculine-feminine spectrum, and shaming a guy (or a girl) for displaying traits that are stereotypically “feminine” is ridiculous. Feminine does not mean lesser. Feminine is just different, and both are equally important.
Let’s put it another way: do you think the courage to stand up for what’s right, seen as a commonly “masculine” trait, doesn’t also come from a place of sympathy and caring—a “feminine” trait? We’ve all got a bit of the stereotypically masculine and the stereotypically feminine traits within us. It’s time to embrace both sides, without shame or worry.
So what am I saying, guys? Give up going to the gym and swap it out for a cardio bike and fro-yo after? Nah. What I am saying is: keep going to the gym. Keep doing whatever manly-man things it is that you guys do. But if you want to cry, or read a book, or, I don’t know, get your goddamn mani-pedis done, just do it. And girls—be as masculine and as feminine as you’d like. Reclaim your voices and those pink dresses; they’re both yours.
Whatever you’ve got going for you, don’t try to label it. Just be you, unapologetically you, and own it completely.
