I remember the first time someone called me a bitch.
It was two years ago, at a Model UN conference. For those who don’t know, Model UN is an extremely male-dominated activity. At this particular competition, I was doing extremely well—I was giving amazing speeches, writing great solutions, and leading a group of sixty other people. In short, I was on top of my game, and I felt amazing.
And then, of course, I accidentally intercepted a written note meant for someone else. It was quick and scribbled, but it referred to me, in no uncertain terms, as “that crazy bitch.” The irony? This note was written by the quietest guy in the room. At the time, I managed to laugh it off: how could he criticize me when he couldn’t even speak? But secretly, the message stung. And as the weeks passed, self-doubt began to plague me. I began to wonder: was it true? Was he right? Was I just too aggressive? Was I really a crazy bitch?
I know that I’m not alone in this experience. The worry that we’re being seen as too demanding, too aggressive, or too bossy, is common for girls. It affects the way we walk, talk, and present ourselves to the world. Even as I was writing this article, I briefly wondered if I was going to come off as too strong or too aggressive (the irony!).
But these concerns follow girls well into the professional world. For the female CEOs in the Fortune 500 (all twenty of them), and for countless other working women, making tough choices and leading the way men do isn’t nearly as easy as it should be. Because as much as we want to be thought of as smart, assertive, and worthy of respect, we certainly don’t want to be thought of as “bitches.”
The worst part of all this? I can openly admit that, at least up until a few years ago, when I saw another girl who was smart, assertive, and confident, I thought of her as a bitch, too.
But is being a bitch really such a bad thing? After all, the term “bitch,” at its core, is a term that’s meant to turn confidence, dignity, and power into bad things. In short, it’s used to keep us in our place and out of the old boys’ club, whether that club is in the fields of engineering or finance, or the startup world.
Perhaps it’s time we as girls stopped letting the bitch label hold us back. Maybe it’s time we all follow one new, simple rule—just be a bitch.
Now let’s be clear about one thing: when I say to be a bitch, I don’t mean to suggest being rude, uncaring, or arrogant. What I am saying is that we should embrace our confidence, our intelligence, and our talents, and stop shying away from asserting them. And it comes through in the little things. Take, for example, the way we talk: girls often start off statements with things like “I’m sorry, but…”, “Could you do me a favor …”, and “I was wondering if we could…?”. Common phrases like these litter our speech and unconsciously weaken our voices.
Here’s a thought: stop saying “I’m sorry” and all variations of that phrase. Unless you are actually apologizing for something, like running over the other guy’s cat, stop prefacing what you say with these unnecessary modifiers. Just say what you mean. Don’t apologize for it, and don’t water it down. When you say what you mean, you’ll be heard, understood and respected.
Finally, don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself! I cannot tell you the number of times I’ve seen a girl on the receiving end of an unwarranted sexist joke, only to see her laugh it off uncomfortably. More than that, I’ve seen girls allow their very valid opinions and ideas to be completely dismissed. We as girls need to speak up for ourselves. Scared? My answer: don’t be. Your opinions and ideas are just as valuable as anyone else’s. Even if you say that it’s “no big deal,” it’s important that you make yourself heard, because you deserve to be.
In short, my advice is this: speak clearly, define your standards, and stand up for yourself, no matter what.
I know it’s easier said than done. Throughout our lives, we as women have been given all kinds of contradictory advice. We’re expected to water down our statements when we really should assert ourselves, to merely accept the respect we get instead of demanding the respect we truly deserve, and of course, to do everything we can to avoid being called a bitch. And how has playing nice turned out? Of the Fortune 500 companies, women run 4%, and of the Fortune 1000, 4.1%. Something’ s clearly not adding up — and change starts with us.
So consider this article a request from a girl who learned it the tough way: don’t be nice. Be a bitch. Let’s start standing up for ourselves, and who knows? We might finally change where we stand.
