The lonely duckling

Right now, I’m sitting in Pierce. All alone, again. It’s that table straight ahead when you enter, in the left corner by the window. There are three chairs around it, but two are empty. And it’s pretty much always this way when I come to Pierce.

My first semester at Stevens is almost over. Should I have friends by now?

I mean, I know people. Just walking up here, I passed three people who said hi to me. But they’re, like, random people. They’re not people I would ask to come sit down and eat with me.

To be honest, I’ve never had a big friend group. I don’t like cliques. I don’t like a lot of people knowing my business. I don’t like drama. I don’t like hanging out in crowds.

What I like are close friends. Real friends. I like spending time with quality people — people with similar values. That’s hard for me because I don’t party, drink, or smoke, and I hate the hook-up culture. I am pretty much the antithesis of a college student. I don’t know where to find people who would rather skip the frats on a Friday night.

Do I not have friends because I’m socially awkward? Unfriendly? Intimidating? Do I distance myself? Do I just have walls up and not realize?

Sometimes, it’s confusing to me whether I am introverted or extroverted. Most people would probably describe me as outgoing. Actually, I enjoy talking to everyone and anyone because I love meeting new people. But, I like being alone too. I am content doing things by myself — relaxing, studying, eating. There’s simply a part of me that’s super independent and I almost always prefer to go my own way when I can.

This makes life easier in many ways. Like, I don’t have extra stress because I don’t worry about anyone but myself. Also, I’m never losing things because I don’t go to other people’s rooms where I could leave them. And forgetting to put my phone on silent is trivial because my phone never goes off anymore.

Still, I’d be lying if I said that this doesn’t bother me.

I just feel like the semester passed so quickly that I didn’t even have time to make friends. Maybe it’s because I’m too busy. My days are always packed with classes, lunch, homework, work, dinner, activities, more homework, a shower, and laundry. I just don’t have time to hang out with people because I’d rather use a spare two hours to catch up on sleep or edit an essay. School comes before a social life.

But let me just admit that I wish I had at least one decent friend to talk to at Stevens.