It’s already ten days into February! Man, is it hectic! Even more so than last semester, my schedule is packed, and the main culprits are CS115 and APO. I think I’m on track for the halfway point in terms of interviews, but I really love it, I’m excited. I think I’m the happiest when I’m doing things, when I’m being productive. So even as I’m writing this column at two in the morning, I don’t mind the drowsiness knowing that I’m doing things, and using my time at college to the best of my ability.
I like the activities I’m a part of. I do a lot for the newspaper, but since a lot of people don’t know, I’ll admit it: I’m also on the planning committee for CPAC. It’s not like I advertise it, though. There are a lot of assumptions some people make about you when you say, “Yes, I like anime.” It also doesn’t help much that the people I confide to about it, always say, “Woah, I never would have guessed!” as if it were a bad or weird thing. But I like what I do. I like being a part of things bigger than myself. I’ve changed a lot from the days when I watched anime for four or five hours a day. I don’t even watch that much in a year. But I can never discard this part of who I am because others judge me for it.
I really feel like all the things you do shape who you are. All of your life experiences, added up, equal you! All the activities I did as a kid, all the experiences I had and people I met, all of that makes up me. And to be honest, I really, really like myself. I’m lucky to have very few things that I regret or dislike, and even if those exist, they’ve shaped me in a positive way: I’ve learned so much from them. So as Valentine’s Day comes around every year, I wonder if a part of me is incomplete without a “someone special.”
It’s my fault. I don’t know how to approach guys at all. I tell myself that I’m happy with just self development, and that this stuff doesn’t matter right now. Still, I can’t help but feel lacking as a person without relationship experience. I always wonder what kind of person I would be right now if I had a love life. Would I be more self confident, would I be more myself while meeting new people? Part of me tells myself that if I have to go out, or change my appearance to meet someone, it isn’t even meant to be. That’s not who I am, nor is it the kind of person I’m looking for. But if I keep doing the things I want to, will I eventually find the right person? I don’t know that, and I don’t know how long I should wait before trying a different approach, or how long it will be until it’s too late.
I remember as early as the first day of orientation week, girls had new boyfriends. How do people even do that? My friends (most of them have boyfriends) try to be nice and tell me that it’s because I have high standards (maybe…), but truthfully, even guys that I don’t like don’t like me. Girls tell me that I’m cute and charming, but that doesn’t help. I can’t lie and say that being single is good. A romantic relationship grows people in different and unexpected ways; ways people can never anticipate on their own. I’m jealous. My family is nice, but being with someone who loves you and whom you love back, especially on the one day of the year that celebrates that, is really nice. If you’re in a relationship, old or new, enjoy this special day! Sure, it can be really commercialized, and yes, the gifts may feel obligatory sometimes, but focus on the true nature of the holiday: remembering and cherishing those you love.