When the student body returned from spring break this past Monday and found a new River Lot adorned with one way signs, an increase in parking spots available, and a general job well done, a previously unimaginable chaos erupted.
Students were reported as left dumbfounded by a product of the administration they genuinely could not complain about, form an uninformed bitter reaction, or even use the word “innovation” ironically as they do with literally everything else. In this state of cognitive dissonance, many felt the only appropriate reaction was utter discontent, in a fashion seen commonly on American universities upon racial injustice or administrative embezzlement. Since such passion in a shared emotion has been unheard of on campus, violence ensued, reminiscent of the popular film, The Purge, except with STEM students not knowing how protests work.
The sense of discord was felt in all facets of campus as images of mechanical engineers commandeering 3D printers to print weapons, a boarded up Samuel C. Williams Library taken hostage by entitled graduate students, and Pearl Foster and Professor Ryan looking upon the shards of the Babbio Center with a single tear in their eyes were now forever engrained in Snevets history.
While hiding from the now-rabid and disturbingly violent Martini Favardin behind a pile of burning copies of “Knowledge, Nature, and Culture,” sophomore владимир басков reiterated how “It’s almost as if the rigorous education I’m getting along with the close-to-guaranteed job prospects are actually positive aspects of my attendance at Snevets instead of things I constantly ignore because Pierce had bad pizza this one time. Ridiculous.”
In a video message released from what seemed to be an underground bunker fashioned from the Motion Capture Lab, President Favardin assured that the lot’s completion, an act of Snevets finally improving the campus in a meaningful way done in a timely manner, was “only a once in a lifetime occurrence,” pointing to “the haphazard housing process, the not-so-intuitive VLE system, student life’s mishandling of finances, malfunctioning classroom technology, a lack of diversity alongside a sizable arts culture, failure to properly acknowledge a problematic, slave-owning family history, a dearth in meaningful environmental impact, and the feeling when you go to a club event just when the food runs out” as perpetual issues students can take refuge in and make snide jokes about without taking any action to mend.
While the world waits for a reaction video completed by frustratedly maligned CAL students, not all are finding the state of Snevets to be a particularly negative environment; Senior Aaggaataat Aapplittuatsiaq reiterated “While I am now constantly in fear of the sentient blinking garbage and recycling bins developed by the Computer Science department, I will say it’s nice to see the often-touted Snevets community, talked about but never seen, come together for once instead of fragmented demographics often united in cynicism, the occasional tragedy, and stress.”